Letter From London - The Deed is Done - Humorous Gossip from London

We Are Not Amused - 7 April

Dear Lulu,

We are not amused. Well, on second thought – we are, following the last few weeks of unforeseen, continuously undermining events regarding the royal coupling,

An almost imperceptible small hand-over-mouth smile the first day, then a wide-mouth-teeth-revealing grin, then an audible laugh heard by anyone within a ten foot radius and now, a few days before the momentous occasion, ’we’ are rolling on the floor, legs bent like an upturned struggling beetle, unselfconsciously shaking with mirth.

This impending wedding truly transcends British humour, irony, farce, even panto. It has reached the level of heaven-sent karma - or is it just Diana at work, vindicated from the beyond; she wasn’t mad after all, was she? But then, we never thought she was.

Apparently Charles was ‘very, very angry’ (and we are all familiar with his little fits when he doesn’t get his petulant priorities sorted immediately by his personal 80 member staff) that he had to change the day because the Pope died and was to be buried on such an inconvenient day; his day. Why hadn’t he reserved it only a few weeks ago? Bloody Pope. It belonged to him, him, him. ‘Why me? Why me?’ the Prince of Wales is supposed to have wailed self-pityingly. Oh my. Do I foresee a mature king coming our way. I think not.

As for Camilla; her friends say she is just soooooooooo bewildered by the intensity of all the animosity surrounding her impending marriage. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer? Not the brightest bulb on the tree? Could that be? Or just a clever contrivance? Silly old moi?

Camilla’s other dear friends also let it slip that she has become ever so royal in the last few weeks. Do we presume she has been covertly raiding the royal treasury for diamond-encrusted tiaras to fit over that thatched, woolly, bleached thing on her head? Hair, I believe it is. Could she be in competition with Condi - who beats her hands down with that stuffed badger she proudly wears on hers.

Camilla’s biographer has revealed that she set her ambitious path to royal status in 1972 when she first demanded Charles respond to: ‘so, how about it?’ The word is that he responded soon after and continued even including one weekend in 1976 at the home she shared with Andrew Parker Bowles. All three sharing sherry at home at the time. Our lives should be so civilised, don’t you think, Dahling? Some royal watchers suggest she set her course to the throne in response to Andrew Parker Bowles’ affair with Princess Anne during their marriage. An eureka moment? Was the attraction the throne – the crown – the sceptre and crown – all three combined? Camilla made her decision to become queen and queen she will be. No matter how clever Clarence House thinks it is by outright falsehoods. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. The fact remains: she marries him, she becomes queen. Victory at last…unless an asteroid hits the duplicitous duo.

But no need really now that THE SUN tabloid has entered the grounds of Windsor Castle with a journalist, a photographer and a big box with the letters ‘bomb’ clearly displayed. First two Canadian tourists tested the lack of security and now the media. Why pray for the invention of natural forces when we have not so ingenious humans creating chaos? Still, now that the date has been changed, there’s less chance – damn.

They were about to marry on an eclipse. A definite no, no. Charles tried that the last time and we all know only too well what happened there. When interviewed the other day, the astrologer Jonathan Cainer stated emphatically that Charles will never be king. Apparently he isn’t the only on who thinks so: Diana stated as much herself.

So, maybe the country can emit a collective sigh of relief that possibly The Ambitious One, the Machiavellian Mistress will not necessarily replace the Queen on the throne; only in Charles’ eyes - but let’s not go there out of soome sort of perverse decorum….

TTFN

Maggie

Letters From London