| LETTERS FROM LONDON |
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| REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL 13 December 2011 |
| Christmas Cheer Up You EU Not the brightest bulb on the Downing Street Christmas tree yet shining with a noticeable orange glow, PM CallMeDave told Brussels: “You play the new London Monopoly board game according to my rules or I am taking it and going back to my little island. Ring my mum and tell her to pick me up in ten minutes. I’ll be waiting outside before it gets dark.” CMD is back and smug as ever. Quite the shame he has no idea how daft, arrogant, immature he looks. “Sarkozy and I are still terribly good friends.” That explains why Sarkozy specifically blanked him then. He didn’t take any aides with him, no plan, didn’t inform/strategise with Clegg for 9 hours. “Hi Nick. Guess what I did today. I changed the history of Britain.” Conservative isolationists surely formed a circle, held hands, jumped up in a celebratory mood. “We won! We won! We won! We’ll soon be true to our indigenous heritage. Britain for the British! Rule Britannia. You know - the Celts, Romans, Vikings, Angles, Saxons, Jutes, Spanish, Normans.” “But they were from Norway, Denmark, Germany, central Europe, Italy, Spain and France.””Really?” CMD sold out when he aligned his party with the super-right-wing fascists in 2009, removing the Conservatives from the mainstream centre-right of Merkel and Sarkozy. CMD won’t be offered a party hat or party favour as he won’t find a seat at the table in the future. He has no friends outside his own inner Eton circle. Ohhh. Poor self-serving CMD. 40% of our trade comes from Europe. Well thought out forward thinking decision making CMD. Inept, unimaginative, undiplomatic CallMeDave – a stratagem for election? No going back now CMD. ‘We’re all in this together.’ City financial institutions packing off to Europe? European revenge? All in all, what a mess. IN THE MIX X Factor ‘winners’ Little Mix will make the 2012 Olympics’ opening ceremonies memorable as the featured performers. Who makes these decisions? An attempt to impress the world with Britain’s musical legacy? Perhaps it is a better than Sir Cliff singing Congratulations.... The choice: so cool. So contemporary. So now. So wrong. But no worries. They won’t be singing anyway – if they ever did. Every potential pop ‘star’ mimes out of necessity: over-produced, over-dubbed and rarely talented. Simon Cowell plans to transform the girl band into the Spice Girls of the century, James Corden is a fan – now that tells you something doesn’t it.... Morris dancers have banded together in protest. Look for them to create ‘flash mobs’ as they mingle with the crowds along the torch procession route and at the Games. They will demonstrate their 600 year old skills with unbridled enthusiasm. Now that bit of anarchy should make things quite fun. TOP TIPS Goodness me. The Duchess of Cornwall is giving ex Waity Kaity more beauty advice. No really. Having gotten the better of facials, Camilla is ready to undertake hair. No really. Camilla wants ex WK to have those premature grey hairs coloured by top stylist Jo Hansford whom Camilla has been seeing for the last 20 years. A regular revealed: ‘When Camilla was last in the salon, she was talking about how she has been trying to get Kate in to see Jo.’ Evidently no one in the salon has mentioned that road kill/nest/straw perched on Camilla’s head is not a good look. A source has revealed that ‘Camilla loves Kate’s long thick hair but she thinks she should cut it or colour it and do something a bit different. She has recommended Jo for a bit of a makeover. She is always giving Kate tips and handy hints. Camilla has been a big influence on Kate – more than people realise.’ Sounds ominous. “We know pandas are au courant, but Darling, you are scaring young children with that eyeliner. And those silky women-of-a-certain-age dresses hanging off your bones. Think young. Think contemporary. What about one of those Mary Portas tunics? Here. Have another mince pie. And no more visits to the loo.” The question is why? Why is Camilla making herself indispensable, a mentor, a personal stylist? Oh what would Diana have to say? Still. It’s a comfort the two are so similar in their Machiavellian MO. |