| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Culture |
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My Heart Bleeds For You - 13 February 2009
Birds, beatings, beheadings, imprisonment, saints and sinners; it’s St Valentine’s Day again.
The special day is now reduced to men buying exorbitantly expensive lacy knickers for
themselves, I mean for their girlfriends/lovers/partners. Interestingly not all that much has
changed historically as some claim the day of love and lust is based on a Roman festival where
“many of the noble youths and of the magistrates run up and down the city naked for sport and
laughter striking those they meet with shaggy thongs” according to Plutarch. More
Birds, beatings, beheadings, imprisonment, saints and sinners; it’s St Valentine’s Day again.
The special day is now reduced to men buying exorbitantly expensive lacy knickers for
themselves, I mean for their girlfriends/lovers/partners. Interestingly not all that much has
changed historically as some claim the day of love and lust is based on a Roman festival where
“many of the noble youths and of the magistrates run up and down the city naked for sport and
laughter striking those they meet with shaggy thongs” according to Plutarch. More
Jaded - 22 February 2009
“Fairytale wedding…securing the financial future for her young sons…. Fairytale
wedding…securing the financial future for her young sons…. Fairytale wedding…securing the
financial future for her young sons…” Crikey! More
“Fairytale wedding…securing the financial future for her young sons…. Fairytale
wedding…securing the financial future for her young sons…. Fairytale wedding…securing the
financial future for her young sons…” Crikey! More
Don't Judge a Book by Lookin' at the Cover - 20 April 2009
Frizzy, frumpy, furry and fixed? When the now more famous than god, the iconic, the archetypal,
the answer to the economic nightmare Susan Boyle stood on the Britain’s Got Talent stage - the
judges sneered and the lip-curled-in-repulsion audience knew exactly how to respond to a middle-
aged, beige-lace frocked, heavily eye-browed woman. Curious that. She could have been
anybody’s auntie, granny or nun. So why the distain? Why the revulsion? Why the sick-bags at
hand? More
Frizzy, frumpy, furry and fixed? When the now more famous than god, the iconic, the archetypal,
the answer to the economic nightmare Susan Boyle stood on the Britain’s Got Talent stage - the
judges sneered and the lip-curled-in-repulsion audience knew exactly how to respond to a middle-
aged, beige-lace frocked, heavily eye-browed woman. Curious that. She could have been
anybody’s auntie, granny or nun. So why the distain? Why the revulsion? Why the sick-bags at
hand? More
Money Talks - 13 June 2009
Photos of a nearly unrecognisable Madonna-earth-mother, Madonna-the-virginal with the latest
accomplishment her $110m a year fortune can buy: the little four-year-old girl, Mercy from
Malawi. Perhaps the ex-Madge wants to move about incognito, thus explaining her addiction to
plastic surgery. Right. “Madonna, I mean Mummy. Is that you?” More
Photos of a nearly unrecognisable Madonna-earth-mother, Madonna-the-virginal with the latest
accomplishment her $110m a year fortune can buy: the little four-year-old girl, Mercy from
Malawi. Perhaps the ex-Madge wants to move about incognito, thus explaining her addiction to
plastic surgery. Right. “Madonna, I mean Mummy. Is that you?” More
You Can Call Me Fred - 20 June 2009
“I’m giving it my best shot.” But did Mad Murray know he was being amusing. I think not; humour
not being his strong point.
World number three and counting up, Scot Andy Murray is spinning his way to the top…without
the top spin. Personal interviews, the Fred Perry clothing range sponsorship deal, his newly
discovered love for the English…especially the hopeful English Wimbledon Crowds. More
“I’m giving it my best shot.” But did Mad Murray know he was being amusing. I think not; humour
not being his strong point.
World number three and counting up, Scot Andy Murray is spinning his way to the top…without
the top spin. Personal interviews, the Fred Perry clothing range sponsorship deal, his newly
discovered love for the English…especially the hopeful English Wimbledon Crowds. More
"The Kid is Not my Son" - 25 June 2009
Anonymous fan: “My life is ruined. It will never be the same without my Michael. He was part of
my family.”
Jordan: “Do you think LaToya will give me the name of his plastic surgeon?”
Another anonymous fan: “My soul is suffering. I can feel it.”
Lisa Marie Presley: “Hey. Only my dad is allowed to have died from an addiction to prescription
drugs.” More
Anonymous fan: “My life is ruined. It will never be the same without my Michael. He was part of
my family.”
Jordan: “Do you think LaToya will give me the name of his plastic surgeon?”
Another anonymous fan: “My soul is suffering. I can feel it.”
Lisa Marie Presley: “Hey. Only my dad is allowed to have died from an addiction to prescription
drugs.” More
My Turn to Plinth or Not to Plinth - 6 July 2009
Every hour of every day for 100 days it is the art of the people, by the people, for the people.
“What makes this project interesting is that it is anti-monumental; giving the plinth over to the
ordinary man or woman places value and merit in elevating the ordinary,” declared BBC arts
correspondent Razia Iqbal. A shame the government hasn’t the slightest understanding of art, the
art of people or the people. Although contempt can be conceptual. More
Every hour of every day for 100 days it is the art of the people, by the people, for the people.
“What makes this project interesting is that it is anti-monumental; giving the plinth over to the
ordinary man or woman places value and merit in elevating the ordinary,” declared BBC arts
correspondent Razia Iqbal. A shame the government hasn’t the slightest understanding of art, the
art of people or the people. Although contempt can be conceptual. More
The Harder They Come, The Harder They Fall - 13 July 2009
Stem cell sperm…ah no more men then? No more: water-proof mascara, 8” killer heels, thongs,
enormous fake breasts/lips, liposuction, ladettes, dowries, Katie Price (aka Jordan), ‘does my
bum look big in this?’ More
Stem cell sperm…ah no more men then? No more: water-proof mascara, 8” killer heels, thongs,
enormous fake breasts/lips, liposuction, ladettes, dowries, Katie Price (aka Jordan), ‘does my
bum look big in this?’ More
Mere Cash-Mere - 20 July 2009
Enough American programmes to bewilder the elderly. “Why do all the actors on the BBC have
American accents? I can’t understand a word they are saying. Were we annexed as part of the
US after the war? Is that why Auntie Verity moved to Minneapolis in 1945? Goodness gracious
me. I am confused.” More
Enough American programmes to bewilder the elderly. “Why do all the actors on the BBC have
American accents? I can’t understand a word they are saying. Were we annexed as part of the
US after the war? Is that why Auntie Verity moved to Minneapolis in 1945? Goodness gracious
me. I am confused.” More
Walk This Way - 22 September 2009
Walk This Way: Normal women can’t walk. Normal women’s thighs are too fleshy to walk.
Normal women are too heavy for 8” stilettos. Normal women need not apply. ‘Normal women’
being that euphemism for fashion reject. Oh it must be London Fashion Week and the ever mind-
numbing subject of skinny 14 year olds vs ‘normal women’ simply must be thrashed out in the
papers, on news programmes, on any and every radio and TV programme willing to bore us
comatose. But it is ‘the walk’ that has the botoxed anorexics talking. More
Walk This Way: Normal women can’t walk. Normal women’s thighs are too fleshy to walk.
Normal women are too heavy for 8” stilettos. Normal women need not apply. ‘Normal women’
being that euphemism for fashion reject. Oh it must be London Fashion Week and the ever mind-
numbing subject of skinny 14 year olds vs ‘normal women’ simply must be thrashed out in the
papers, on news programmes, on any and every radio and TV programme willing to bore us
comatose. But it is ‘the walk’ that has the botoxed anorexics talking. More
Sex, Drugs and...Arrest - 1 October 2009
Oh whoops Whoopi. Would you do it Woody? Obviously Woody would as he has already
including incest and I don’t mean Soon-Yi. Whoopi gives her version of rape regarding the Roman
Polanski arrest.
"What I'm saying is that he did not rape her, cause she was aware, and the family, apparently
was aware ... he was not charged ... I know it wasn't rape-rape. I think it was something else
but I don't believe it was rape-rape." More
Oh whoops Whoopi. Would you do it Woody? Obviously Woody would as he has already
including incest and I don’t mean Soon-Yi. Whoopi gives her version of rape regarding the Roman
Polanski arrest.
"What I'm saying is that he did not rape her, cause she was aware, and the family, apparently
was aware ... he was not charged ... I know it wasn't rape-rape. I think it was something else
but I don't believe it was rape-rape." More
Naked Ambitions - 15 October 2009
“Oi Bob, Ian, Frank. Take a look at this one.”
“Blimey! That beats my last one by at least three inches!”
“Do you think he’s a porn star?”
“Dunno. But I’ll be checking it out now. This opens up a whole new world.”
“I’m with you, Bill.” More
“Oi Bob, Ian, Frank. Take a look at this one.”
“Blimey! That beats my last one by at least three inches!”
“Do you think he’s a porn star?”
“Dunno. But I’ll be checking it out now. This opens up a whole new world.”
“I’m with you, Bill.” More
The X Factor-Y - 13 December 2009
Saturday and Sunday nights are free again. We can answer the phone, walk the dog, go to the
pub, order on line, have a bath.
After 2 1/2 months of off-key boring voices all vying for super stardom. Yes. Simon Cowell’s
cash cow is finally over – for this year. More
Saturday and Sunday nights are free again. We can answer the phone, walk the dog, go to the
pub, order on line, have a bath.
After 2 1/2 months of off-key boring voices all vying for super stardom. Yes. Simon Cowell’s
cash cow is finally over – for this year. More
It's 2009 All Over Again - 8 January 2009
Who Let the Dogs Out?
The odious Otis Ferry has begun the decade still foaming at the mouth after ripping foxes to
bloody pieces with his teeth for the last ten years, still willing to pontificate on the entitlement of
the landed gentry even after an extended prison visit. More
Who Let the Dogs Out?
The odious Otis Ferry has begun the decade still foaming at the mouth after ripping foxes to
bloody pieces with his teeth for the last ten years, still willing to pontificate on the entitlement of
the landed gentry even after an extended prison visit. More
Everybody Hurts - 15 February 2010
“I won!”
“No! I won!”
The public seems to have decided that grief-stricken-Gordie has beat devastated-Dave in the
crying game/competition that will decide who takes office at the General Election. More
“I won!”
“No! I won!”
The public seems to have decided that grief-stricken-Gordie has beat devastated-Dave in the
crying game/competition that will decide who takes office at the General Election. More
It's a Man's World on International Women's Day - 8 March 2010
“She’s a man’s man.” “She’s made a butch film.” “She’s directed the film like a man.” “She’s
directed from a man’s point of view.” “Is she a man?” “It’s a male movie.”
Evidently creativity is gender-based. Who knew? The critics just couldn’t allow her to be a
woman director who won; they had to make her into a man. More
“She’s a man’s man.” “She’s made a butch film.” “She’s directed the film like a man.” “She’s
directed from a man’s point of view.” “Is she a man?” “It’s a male movie.”
Evidently creativity is gender-based. Who knew? The critics just couldn’t allow her to be a
woman director who won; they had to make her into a man. More
Losing My Religion - 28 March 2010
‘Do unto other as you would have them do unto you.’ Unfortunately that is precisely what they
did. “You put your hand in my pants while I put mine in yours. That’s good – oh so good.” More
‘Do unto other as you would have them do unto you.’ Unfortunately that is precisely what they
did. “You put your hand in my pants while I put mine in yours. That’s good – oh so good.” More
Get out the Rack - 27 June 2010
Germany could have played with blindfolds on, legs tied together, and backwards and still won
the match. That was the worst England game I have ever seen. More
Germany could have played with blindfolds on, legs tied together, and backwards and still won
the match. That was the worst England game I have ever seen. More