Letter From London - The Deed is Done - Humorous Gossip from London

The Deed is Done - 10 April

Dear Lulu,

An update: The deed is done. History has been sufficiently altered. The wedding has finally taken place. In the meantime, Rainier’s demise has been ignored, the Pope is waiting in the wings (as it were) for sainthood (tsk, tsk), Saul Bellow has now been deemed the most brilliant writer of the 20th century (except for legitimate rumblings from the entire female population), and I lost money on the Grand National (damn). Now can we all just get back to whatever we were doing before all this tediously repetitious media mania?

I can’t resist a postscript. The team of Philip Treacy, Linda Bennett and Robinson Valentine did a superb job on Camilla. I know it requires brain-twisting exertion to imagine, but she did look quite lovely in virginal (they called it oyster) white, complementing the biggest (?) diamond ring she found in Granny’s stash, further irritating the Queen who wanted it kept in the ‘family’ – lovely even with those black caterpillars glued onto her upper eyelashes, her hair making a bit of a 90 degree comb-over salute to the wind – Zero Mostel, Gene Wilder, Donald Trump all spring to mind – it’s up to you to choose your preferred image, and something untoward with her mouth – as if she had been chewing a wad of liquorice and forgot to spit it out before she set her greeting-the-public-for-the-first-time-I’m-more-royal-than-the-Queen smile in place. Trinny and Susannah responded diplomatically: “Er, it fitted her.” And, “I think she definitely enjoys wearing clothes.” Still in all, a very impressive effort and result by the assembled team. I hope they will remain on 24-hour call for all our sakes.

Now, according to The Sunday Times: Charles retained a decidedly pained expression. It took only 20 minutes to undo centuries of royal tradition. A local school band played Mustang Sally (huh?) to drown out any of the audible booing. Camilla demonstrated the wave she has been practicing since 1972, but Charles apparently felt it beneath him and abstained…bloody people. There was no kiss to seal the deal. Dickie Arbiter, former royal press spokesperson said: “It wouldn’t have killed them to walk.” The church does not regard the wedding as a “full celebratory event.” Camilla stumbled over her resolution of faithfulness and Charles needed to prompt Camilla to ask God to “unite our wills in thy will”, provoking a stifled snigger from William. (Perhaps she was momentarily confused over the meaning of ‘will’ – she had already sorted what’s-yours-is-mine out at least a month ago.) The Queen seemed stern and detached. Lip-readers said her brief exchange with Charles consisted of “We’re leaving now” and he is said to have replied plaintively, “Oh, I really want a picture of us all.” There was no group picture. (Ok, ok – it is heart-breaking at this point.) Not a word was uttered by the Queen to Camilla. The Queen has refused to see Camilla until recently from the moment Camilla’s role was exposed as the instigator behind the collapse of his first marriage. An unflattering coat of arms to be assigned to the Duchess of Cornwall by the Queen will feature a boar and the severed head of another wild pig to appear on all Camilla’s correspondence, flags and other personal possessions. (Oh my. Should we be braced for the rejected fireworks to manifest in a rather untoward manner in the future?) Camilla turned and beckoned to Prince William once, twice, thrice, but he appeared to hesitate and draw back from his stepmother. He lingered in the shadows. The Queen seemed to avoid Charles’ eyes twice. A YouGov poll of more than 1,500 people shows 60% to 21% think William would make a better king than Charles. Only 16% of people polled think Camilla should one day be queen. Even Camilla’s ally and clever, yet oh so transparent, former spin-master, Mark Bolland has written that a member of Camilla’s family once described her as the “laziest woman to have been born in England in the 20th century.” She lacks stamina, is nervy, and has never worked in her life. Pass the bon bons, Chas.

Camilla’s most frequently used expression is: “Gimme a fag.” Somehow I seriously doubt in response the Queen’s will be (a la MacDonald’s): “We’re lovin’ it.” God save our gracious Queen –- and thank you very much.

TTFN, Maggie

Letters From London