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| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics |
Our Friend, Generic Jen - 14 March 2009
Jen bounces back. Jen is now new and improved. Jen is happy, reallyreallyreally happy. Jen is
fun and funny. Jen is blindingly charismatic. Our Jen wants to tell you how emotionally healthy
Jen is. Jen loves herself and her life. Jen wants to be your friend. I want to kill myself. No. I want
to kill Jen.
The only cover not featuring Jen’s new-ish nose and new breasts is Knitting. The tedious
‘journalists’ interviewing her for every publication possible all find her: ‘down to earth, funny, with
a sunny disposition, warm, charismatic, looking happier than ever, only wearing lip gloss,
embracing life with gusto, stunning, skin-perfect, immaculate, cooing, gorgeous, likeable,
appealing, full of youthful exuberance, a spring in her step, defying her 40 years, the girl-next-
door.’ Please. Not next to my door.
Then there is the hair. There is always the hair. Jen can identify any specific Friends episode by
her hairstyle at the time. Now that is seriously sad. Jen, who professes to love the ‘natural look’,
recently spent £40,000 a week on her hair. Jen had to fly in her other half - her hairdresser to
maintain her perfected image. I’d rather eat my own hair than be subjected to another minute of
Jen’s perfect life and hair.
What Jen loves: her home, cooking, going out to dinner, watching movies, taking hikes, taking
the car and going on road trips, hanging out, sunsets, silly things, a nice bottle of wine and some
good cheese, being in love. Sounds suspiciously like a Woman Seeking Man ad - or Gwyneth.
As for the future, Jen insists, ‘I don’t really think about it. I have never been a woman who
dreams about getting married and having children and having that house in Connecticut. On the
contrary, I’ve always gone with the flow.’ Did I read that right? All right. Not in Connecticut.
'I enjoy the moment because life goes on while you try to make plans; it’s better to make the
most of every second. So I just try to live in the present.’ Then all those ranting and ravings
against Angelina were…spontaneous?
When interviewed, our friend Jen consistently seems unnecessarily defensive, annoyed, harsh,
not particularly likeable, not very attractive, not terribly intelligent, generic and interminably boring.
Headlines we want to see: JEN CAN’T STOP STALKING BRAD!… JEN HAS PROOF
ANGELINA’S LIPS ARE BOTOXED!… JEN SAYS ANGELINA IS BOTOXING HER BABY’S
LIPS!… JEN DREAMS OF BECOMING STEP-MOM TO BRAD’S KIDS!… JEN REFUSES TO
ALLOW SURNAME ‘SMITH’ ON SET!… JEN CAN’T FIND ANOTHER MAN TO DUMP HER!…
JEN SETS UP ALTAR TO BRAD!… JEN WEARS A WIG!….
‘I am a very lucky woman.’ Yes Jen you are. But why?
Jen bounces back. Jen is now new and improved. Jen is happy, reallyreallyreally happy. Jen is
fun and funny. Jen is blindingly charismatic. Our Jen wants to tell you how emotionally healthy
Jen is. Jen loves herself and her life. Jen wants to be your friend. I want to kill myself. No. I want
to kill Jen.
The only cover not featuring Jen’s new-ish nose and new breasts is Knitting. The tedious
‘journalists’ interviewing her for every publication possible all find her: ‘down to earth, funny, with
a sunny disposition, warm, charismatic, looking happier than ever, only wearing lip gloss,
embracing life with gusto, stunning, skin-perfect, immaculate, cooing, gorgeous, likeable,
appealing, full of youthful exuberance, a spring in her step, defying her 40 years, the girl-next-
door.’ Please. Not next to my door.
Then there is the hair. There is always the hair. Jen can identify any specific Friends episode by
her hairstyle at the time. Now that is seriously sad. Jen, who professes to love the ‘natural look’,
recently spent £40,000 a week on her hair. Jen had to fly in her other half - her hairdresser to
maintain her perfected image. I’d rather eat my own hair than be subjected to another minute of
Jen’s perfect life and hair.
What Jen loves: her home, cooking, going out to dinner, watching movies, taking hikes, taking
the car and going on road trips, hanging out, sunsets, silly things, a nice bottle of wine and some
good cheese, being in love. Sounds suspiciously like a Woman Seeking Man ad - or Gwyneth.
As for the future, Jen insists, ‘I don’t really think about it. I have never been a woman who
dreams about getting married and having children and having that house in Connecticut. On the
contrary, I’ve always gone with the flow.’ Did I read that right? All right. Not in Connecticut.
'I enjoy the moment because life goes on while you try to make plans; it’s better to make the
most of every second. So I just try to live in the present.’ Then all those ranting and ravings
against Angelina were…spontaneous?
When interviewed, our friend Jen consistently seems unnecessarily defensive, annoyed, harsh,
not particularly likeable, not very attractive, not terribly intelligent, generic and interminably boring.
Headlines we want to see: JEN CAN’T STOP STALKING BRAD!… JEN HAS PROOF
ANGELINA’S LIPS ARE BOTOXED!… JEN SAYS ANGELINA IS BOTOXING HER BABY’S
LIPS!… JEN DREAMS OF BECOMING STEP-MOM TO BRAD’S KIDS!… JEN REFUSES TO
ALLOW SURNAME ‘SMITH’ ON SET!… JEN CAN’T FIND ANOTHER MAN TO DUMP HER!…
JEN SETS UP ALTAR TO BRAD!… JEN WEARS A WIG!….
‘I am a very lucky woman.’ Yes Jen you are. But why?
