| LETTERS FROM LONDON |
 | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  |
| REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL 17 August 2011 |
| 1. Toffs Get Tough The government is sending in the army – well an army – to ask ‘why did you do it?’ “I emptied out that shop because I paid for Cameron’s wisteria and his £77,000 new crap kitchen.” “I emptied out that shop because bankers are getting bigger bonuses than ever and they are financing US cluster bomb manufactures.” “I emptied out that shop because MPs are still using our taxes to pay for their taxis, travel, dinners, parties, clothing and holidays.” “I emptied out that shop because I need to look cool and Top Shop owner billionaire Philip Green doesn’t pay taxes.” “I emptied out that shop because of Cameron’s complicity with Rupert Murdoch and his world-wide domination.” “I emptied out that shop because I can’t afford to go to uni like toffs.” [The only shop they didn’t loot was Waterstones book shop.] “I emptied out all those shops, threw bricks at coppers, smashed windows, beat up neighbours, set fires because it was fun. We all need a bit of fun.” “I’m baaaaaaaackkkk.” Happy holiday maker, practiced TV PR man, PM CallMeDave is back in charge. All breathe a sigh of relief together now. Slick CMD appeared in his shirt sleeves, with his hair slicked back in front of graffiti appropriately spelling out BASE. CMD no longer wants to ‘hug-a-hoodie’ – now he wants to hang them. He’s irate, he’s incensed, he’s infuriated, he’s inflexible, he’s uncompromising, he’s utterly full of rhetorical rubbish. CallMeDave has been ranting about Britain’s ‘sick society’. Was he referring to the bottom or the top of society? What does CMD’s brain Steve Hilton have planned? Nothing. Toffs talk tough but the consensus is that nothing will change. Home secretary Theresa May who has taken charge of law and order is ready to have Cameron’s favourite US ‘super’ cop Bill Bratton [who has now been rejected as the new chief of the Met] kidnapped when he lands in London. She sees him as a threat to her self-importance while the bungling, inept, excessively inward-looking police commissioners want this to be an inside job. Court sentencing has been a bit OTT. Traditionally rapists, paedophiles, wife beaters are out in months...but now gazing enviously at a bottle of fizzy water with an appealing label gets you 10 years in solitary. Tory suggestions: curfews, blocking facebook/twitter/blackberrys, family eviction from council houses, no balaclavas, hoods up, harsh justice, massive police/community/social services slashed - or - national citizen service, community reparations, inspirational education, vocational training, noblesse oblige. So many empty proposals for an empty culture. |