| LETTERS FROM LONDON |
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| REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL 29 April 2011 |
| 1. Not An Heir Out Of Place Pageantry, pomp and privilege. A minibus parade filled with the lesser royals and such on the Mall? Massive red logos splashed across the sides of the executive mode of wedding transportation: Wings Luxury Travel. Why? Just wrong and naff. The royal carriages were striking, the cars were good – Jags, Rolls, but no mention of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding that I was aware of. It was a lovely wedding. Kate “he’s lucky to have me” looked the perfect picture after nineteen years of detail planning. I should hope so. The dress? Oh God. The dress! I thought I’d have to shout from the windows: “I don’t care about the bloody dress! Do you hear me? Stop!” Finally. It was Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen. TV commentators: “I’m beside myself!” regarding ‘dress anticipation’. “I’m getting more and more nervous about the dress.” “She loves her hair!” “She never has a hair out of place.” “She was the most relaxed of anybody...she’s so sure of herself.” “She was so composed...the most relaxed....” “This showed her for what she is – plain and simple.” “She’s so ordinary and so normal.” “She hasn’t put a foot wrong. She’s so discreet. So discreet.” Meanwhile, on the commoners’ planet on The Mall: “They’re just like us.” “They’ re so modern.” “They’re so down to earth.” “They’re down to earth people – definitely.” Sorry darlings. Royals aren’t. What were Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie trying to achieve in their alarming panto versions of Cinderella’s step-sisters? Quite scary. Beatrice’s Philip Treacy hat defied identification. Was it a bird, a plane, an aerial or simply a scene stealer? Enough eyeliner to panic lemurs at the zoo at night. Perhaps too many forehead covering fascinators to count – although Tara Palmer-Tomkinson’s blindingly blue hat pointing directly to her rugby nose was impossible to ignore. Miriam González Durántez, Nick Clegg’s wife, alluded to flamenco, but still added much needed drama. Camilla kept a curious glower throughout as if she had just eaten a passed-its-sell-by-date korma curry, but looked quite lovely otherwise. David Beckham - gorgeous naturally. The Speaker’s wife, Sally Bercow’s what-was-she-thinking décolletage – blimey. Carole Middleton did her last minute homage to the high street; John Lewis would be proud. Harry, who swaggered and smirked like a 12 year old, clearly had his hair professionally coiffed by a republican. “I’m next” Pippa did her best to out shine the bride in her ‘does my bum look fantastic’ in this – competing in white – always a no, no - all slinky and sexy. Princess Anne, who will never look anything but weird with that dead bird’s nest hairstyle she’s had since she was fourteen, wore an 80’s inspired carpet. Andrew Morton of Diana fame has remarked several times on Kate’s infatuation with the limelight...moth to a flame...that could be a potential problem for William who is quite the private person. Actually, all the Middleton women have dropped their guard, if they ever had one, and have embraced the attention full on like a long lost love. They can’t seem to get enough. This could prove interesting. The courtiers are thrilled. “Kate projects the perfect image...her absence ‘personality’ has turned out to be an advantage.” Quite a relief then. She will have a ‘replacement’ – one with or without a personality - a stand-in as used for the Queen Mother. With so many look-a-likes, this should be easy peasy, although if the replacement should have to speak, she will have to acquire a terribly posh accent as WK has done. Astrologers have called WK practical, hard, steely and controlling...William rather warm. Possibly things could get a bit tricky in 2013. Many royal watchers have expressed their ‘hope it lasts’ opinions. Everybody goes on about it being a love match. The question is: would ‘Princess Ordinary’ have married a balding out of work plumber on benefits living in a council flat at the local registry? Perhaps not. A ‘cool, modern’ couple? Really? And here I was thinking dull and boring if they stay together. Since 1919 66% of British royal marriages have been successful. 4 out of 12 divorces. Time to place a bet. And lest we forget. Hitler married Eva Braun in a bunker the same day in 1945. The TV commentary was gushing, exaggerated, inane, annoying, silly. Please keep the continuously irritating, pointless Fearne Cotton off the airways for ever or at least for the next royal nuptials of Zara Philips which should be a bit of fun. |