| LETTERS FROM LONDON |
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| REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL 11 November 2011 |
| KEEPING A LOW PROFILE 1. FANCY DRESS Perfect plastic-face, attention-craving, opinionated, solipsistic, tiresomely self- assured. Not one of her ‘chick-lit’ characters, but conservative MP Louise Mensch’s latest confessions revolve around her youthful Class A drug-taking, her new face and her love life with her new rock band manager husband, Peter Mensch [the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Metallica]. In 2011, in ‘real life’ LM is willingly giving us all more information than we would have ever wanted. Perhaps her books offer the same. I for one have no intention of discovering the joys of acquiescence and potentially irrational desire. LM questioned Rupert Murdoch on the phone-hacking scandal as a member of the culture, media and sport select committee. Taking advantage of her appearance (as it were), she has popped up on every programme from Have I Got News for You to Question Time. In a Sunday Times interview she doubtless became one of her characters: “I love him and I dress up for him. Not in a Barbie doll way. My palms still sweat with adrenalin whenever he walks into a room.” Chapter two? Her husband of 5 months lives in New York. LM has ‘rediscovered exercise and running’ to be assured she looks good for him. Excuse me while I suppress my gag reflex. "I think it's an act of love for a husband and wife who have committed to each other to keep themselves looking as good as they can”. Yes. But I don’t think she meant regular dental visits and haircuts. LM didn’t go into detail thankfully; she left that to her chick-lit reader’s imagination. She also spared us from what her new husband may surprise her with when they do meet up for their dress up moments. Perhaps an ‘I Love Metallica’ - or ‘Lou Reed’- tattoo across his back? Or he may simply strip to the waist and don a black long-haired wig. 58 year old Mensch has a shaved (or bald) head. “I want to wear the bunny costume this time.” “You wore it last time.” “And when was that?” “I’ll have to look in my diary.” Sadly she most probably she does all the dressing up. LM didn’t reveal the marriage to her 3 children. Her Goth, stockings and suspenders, nurse costumes for the afternoon might frighten them? 2. SCRAP IT “Tiiiimmmmberrrrrr! I mean iiiiconnnnn!” Scrap metal is the new criminal activity. Place your flowers at the foot of your favourite statue because it in all probability it will be stolen tomorrow. Polish saints, political notables, war memorials, any and all who changed the course of history. But it’s not simply 2 or 3 disappearing statues a week. Pylons, power lines, gas pipes, phone networks, manhole covers all removed and sold on to shady scrap metal dealers. These thefts are “a significant threat to national infrastructure,” says a senior police officer. 50% of which are now missing metal. If pushed for time - take a taxi. Cable stealing could cause chaos and delays of 7,000 hours this year. Tens of thousands of frustrated, infuriated rail commuters will be left crushed and panting on the platform - a 47% increase from 2 years ago. There are 6-8 cable thefts on railways every day. The soaring price of copper has cost the rail industry £770m and the economy £20m a year. Watching Strictly Come Dancing one minute, blown up the next – you and your telly. Last summer in West Yorkshire two homes were demolished, four set on fire because thieves cut a piece of cable from an overhead line and gas pipes ignited. Oh dear oh dear. Last week TVs exploded, microwaves caught fire, a village was without power for 12 hours when more cable was cut from an electricity sub-station. Could sign posts be next? Nelson’s Column? The London Eye would make quite the splash. But lest we forget, ‘we’re all in this together’ aren’t we CallMeDave? Or as economists are saying “a relentless descent into chaos.” 3. DON’T STOP ‘TIL YOU GET ENOUGH Shrieking, crying, thanking Jesus, blowing horns, waving banners, rolling on the pavement, professing undying love, ‘Burn in Hell’ placards. I wanted to kill myself. Instead, I changed news channels. In a moment of irrationality I wanted that giant asteroid to crash into the earth at the exact spot where every Jackson family member stood pontificating on justice having been done. Job done. Hollywood doctor supplies drug of choice to drug and plastic surgery addicted deluded famous celebrity with an unnatural interest in young boys. So Hollywood. |