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| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics |
Same Old, Same Old - 9 January 2009
So here we are in 2009. Three years before we all disappear into oblivion if the Hopis and the
Mayans prove to be right after all. Yet it’s life as usual – despite the entire collapse of the global
economic structure. Well, what’s changed? Not much.
Resolutions:
Gordon Brown: “My resolution is to be master of the universe after having saved the world,
although I do believe I am already.”
Putin: “My resolution is to be master of the universe after establishing myself as a permanent
dictator, although I do believe I am already.”
David Cameron: “My resolution is to call a press conference every minute and thirty-eight
seconds. Indeed. I already do that. I am just that fascinating.”
Bush: “My revolution is to get hamnered, blotto every day of the new year. Yo! I already
am…back to coke, ol’ buddy.”
Obama: “My resolution is to fill my cabinet with hawks and pro-corporate greedy men who have
already served in government. Oh. I already did that.”
Andy Murray: “My ya know reso-ya know-lution is ya know to ya know beat Car-ya know-oline
Ken-ya know-nedy in ya know my inartic-ya know-ulateness ya now and ya know mastery of ya
know the ya know use of ‘ya know’. Hold on. Ya know I already ya know have. 320 in ya know 2
min 23 ya know seconds. Look. I’m ya know doing my in-ya know fam-ya know-ous grimace now
ya know, ya know.”
Sir Paul: “My resolution is to spread the word that I am the Beatles and they aren’t – dead or
alive. But all you Beatles’ fans know already that I am the one, the genius, the source, the
intellectual, the spiritual one, the walrus goo goo gajoob ga goo goo gajoob. You pathetic
wankers.”
Gwyneth: “My resolution is to be married and be a wonderful wife, mother and domestic
information goddess to the ignorant. Hmmm. I think I might be already. I’ll have to check with my
PA.”
Elle, Gwyneth, Jen: “Our resolution is to be covered by every press vehicle operating on the
earth. Woops. We already are. Ha. We’re famous, rich and pointless and you’re not.”
Carla Bruni: “My rezoluution ez to seduze tout les hommes within a two keelometre radius. Mon
dieu! Je l’ai deja fait.”
Tamara Mellon: “My resolution is to let my six year old daughter wear her little high heels until
she requires orthopaedic surgery. Darling. I am already.”
Jade Jagger: “My resolution is to dress my two pre-teen daughters in kiddie porn clothes and
show them how to look sexy for the cameras. As it happens; I have been for years. My-mini-me-
s. Like mummy like daughters.”
Kate Middleton: “My resolution is – what is it again, Mummy? To manipulate Wills into marriage
by 2048? Good news. I know I already have.”
Israel: “Our resolution is to obliterate every vulnerable Palestinian, which we already are, insuring
the next election. Happy New Year and on to Iran…or why not the entire Middle East? All
together now: this land is my land, this land is my land….”
Hamas: “Our resolution is to martyr every youth under 17 by sending ineffectual rockets into
illegal Israeli border towns before our youth are burned, maimed, made limbless or lifeless by
Israel’s precise bombing. We are already. Praise be to god.”
Anarchists unite against a celebrity-revered, female-sexualised, vacuous, dumbed-down, greed-
motivated, fascistic, anti-human rights, surveillance world. Blimey. Happy New Year? I think not.
So here we are in 2009. Three years before we all disappear into oblivion if the Hopis and the
Mayans prove to be right after all. Yet it’s life as usual – despite the entire collapse of the global
economic structure. Well, what’s changed? Not much.
Resolutions:
Gordon Brown: “My resolution is to be master of the universe after having saved the world,
although I do believe I am already.”
Putin: “My resolution is to be master of the universe after establishing myself as a permanent
dictator, although I do believe I am already.”
David Cameron: “My resolution is to call a press conference every minute and thirty-eight
seconds. Indeed. I already do that. I am just that fascinating.”
Bush: “My revolution is to get hamnered, blotto every day of the new year. Yo! I already
am…back to coke, ol’ buddy.”
Obama: “My resolution is to fill my cabinet with hawks and pro-corporate greedy men who have
already served in government. Oh. I already did that.”
Andy Murray: “My ya know reso-ya know-lution is ya know to ya know beat Car-ya know-oline
Ken-ya know-nedy in ya know my inartic-ya know-ulateness ya now and ya know mastery of ya
know the ya know use of ‘ya know’. Hold on. Ya know I already ya know have. 320 in ya know 2
min 23 ya know seconds. Look. I’m ya know doing my in-ya know fam-ya know-ous grimace now
ya know, ya know.”
Sir Paul: “My resolution is to spread the word that I am the Beatles and they aren’t – dead or
alive. But all you Beatles’ fans know already that I am the one, the genius, the source, the
intellectual, the spiritual one, the walrus goo goo gajoob ga goo goo gajoob. You pathetic
wankers.”
Gwyneth: “My resolution is to be married and be a wonderful wife, mother and domestic
information goddess to the ignorant. Hmmm. I think I might be already. I’ll have to check with my
PA.”
Elle, Gwyneth, Jen: “Our resolution is to be covered by every press vehicle operating on the
earth. Woops. We already are. Ha. We’re famous, rich and pointless and you’re not.”
Carla Bruni: “My rezoluution ez to seduze tout les hommes within a two keelometre radius. Mon
dieu! Je l’ai deja fait.”
Tamara Mellon: “My resolution is to let my six year old daughter wear her little high heels until
she requires orthopaedic surgery. Darling. I am already.”
Jade Jagger: “My resolution is to dress my two pre-teen daughters in kiddie porn clothes and
show them how to look sexy for the cameras. As it happens; I have been for years. My-mini-me-
s. Like mummy like daughters.”
Kate Middleton: “My resolution is – what is it again, Mummy? To manipulate Wills into marriage
by 2048? Good news. I know I already have.”
Israel: “Our resolution is to obliterate every vulnerable Palestinian, which we already are, insuring
the next election. Happy New Year and on to Iran…or why not the entire Middle East? All
together now: this land is my land, this land is my land….”
Hamas: “Our resolution is to martyr every youth under 17 by sending ineffectual rockets into
illegal Israeli border towns before our youth are burned, maimed, made limbless or lifeless by
Israel’s precise bombing. We are already. Praise be to god.”
Anarchists unite against a celebrity-revered, female-sexualised, vacuous, dumbed-down, greed-
motivated, fascistic, anti-human rights, surveillance world. Blimey. Happy New Year? I think not.
