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| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics |
Show Me the Money - 31 December 2006
All right. It’s over. Tree needles, congealed gravy, too small, too large, wine-stained white shirts,
fried cheese ball canapes underfoot, ad inf. If you are uber-rich you probably received still
another bespoke private jet. “Oh Darling. I had Damien Hirst monogram it especially for you.” If
you are merely filthy rich you probably received a bespoke Ferrari. “Oh Darling. I took one of
your Ozwald Boateng - or was it Hardy Amies - shirts and had them match the lilac exactly.” If
you are a common person you probably received stripy Marks & Spencer socks. “Oh Darling.
Sorry about that. I’m sure I can find the other one. Have you looked in the rubbish bin?”
Dispensing with the customary New Year’s resolution list: buy GI Diet book and read beyond the
forward, set the alarm for 4:22am to get the rowing machine by 6, add Mum to speed dial and
ring more than twice a year, destroy credit cards after they have been paid off in 2026, be civil
to neighbours instead of having a voodoo curse put on them for repeatedly blasting ‘You’re
Beautiful’, drink only on days that end in ‘y’…the usual. A single resolution should solve it all: get
rich.
You too could receive a singular sum bonus of between £1-53 million for recognition of your
invaluable services to your peer group. Just imagine, you could look forward to a 28% pay
increase and your chances of being made redundant are a mere 1 in 7 as compared to those
lowly workers doing your job who become unemployed and homeless with a 1 in 4 chance. If per
chance you were to be one of the 1 in 7, you could be certain of a special good-bye payoff of
£5m for messing up. Those minimum waged workers you see bent over their desks could
receive 0.58% of their annual pay packet or simply calculated: 2 days worth of work. Not adding
in the overtime. Naturally this is inevitable with outsourcing or the cheaper, cheerier Eastern
European influx. Smile. Bonuses of £18 billion could be coming your way this year. Surely
something to consider. It’s a good-ol’-boy-hierarchical-world and you can be part of it.
Providing everything goes to plan, January will celebrate (even more) sharp increases in local
council tax, tube, bus, national rail, gas and electric (87% hasn’t been enough), house prices up
£80 a day, the salaries and bonuses of the men on top as well… no matter how appalling,
infuriating, illegal, unjust, pathetic. But if you have been kept awake with worry over the WWll UK
debt to the US, it has finally been paid off. I know I have.
If the immediate future isn’t depressing enough, now that you’ve maxed out your credit cards on
the 50% off January Sales with items you have to rent storage to hang up - shock, horror - every
one of those items is now déclassé. The must-have- Moss/Lohan/Miller-look for 2007 has been
announced and it doesn’t include that Chanel handbag addition. That has been replaced by your
£1.50 plaid plastic laundry bag - for those who know. As well as your entire wardrobe in shades
of grey, skinny jeans, insect-eye sunglasses. In 2007, it’s all skintight bondage, I mean bandage
dresses, crystal shoes, sci-fi, egg-shaped skirts – darling – you’ve gone into debt for all the
wrong stuff. But if you were on the right path, you wouldn’t have a pecuniary concern in the world.
Hopefully a re-release of the film, Eat the Rich (1987) might inspire clandestine anarchists among
us. Well, it’s an idea….
All right. It’s over. Tree needles, congealed gravy, too small, too large, wine-stained white shirts,
fried cheese ball canapes underfoot, ad inf. If you are uber-rich you probably received still
another bespoke private jet. “Oh Darling. I had Damien Hirst monogram it especially for you.” If
you are merely filthy rich you probably received a bespoke Ferrari. “Oh Darling. I took one of
your Ozwald Boateng - or was it Hardy Amies - shirts and had them match the lilac exactly.” If
you are a common person you probably received stripy Marks & Spencer socks. “Oh Darling.
Sorry about that. I’m sure I can find the other one. Have you looked in the rubbish bin?”
Dispensing with the customary New Year’s resolution list: buy GI Diet book and read beyond the
forward, set the alarm for 4:22am to get the rowing machine by 6, add Mum to speed dial and
ring more than twice a year, destroy credit cards after they have been paid off in 2026, be civil
to neighbours instead of having a voodoo curse put on them for repeatedly blasting ‘You’re
Beautiful’, drink only on days that end in ‘y’…the usual. A single resolution should solve it all: get
rich.
You too could receive a singular sum bonus of between £1-53 million for recognition of your
invaluable services to your peer group. Just imagine, you could look forward to a 28% pay
increase and your chances of being made redundant are a mere 1 in 7 as compared to those
lowly workers doing your job who become unemployed and homeless with a 1 in 4 chance. If per
chance you were to be one of the 1 in 7, you could be certain of a special good-bye payoff of
£5m for messing up. Those minimum waged workers you see bent over their desks could
receive 0.58% of their annual pay packet or simply calculated: 2 days worth of work. Not adding
in the overtime. Naturally this is inevitable with outsourcing or the cheaper, cheerier Eastern
European influx. Smile. Bonuses of £18 billion could be coming your way this year. Surely
something to consider. It’s a good-ol’-boy-hierarchical-world and you can be part of it.
Providing everything goes to plan, January will celebrate (even more) sharp increases in local
council tax, tube, bus, national rail, gas and electric (87% hasn’t been enough), house prices up
£80 a day, the salaries and bonuses of the men on top as well… no matter how appalling,
infuriating, illegal, unjust, pathetic. But if you have been kept awake with worry over the WWll UK
debt to the US, it has finally been paid off. I know I have.
If the immediate future isn’t depressing enough, now that you’ve maxed out your credit cards on
the 50% off January Sales with items you have to rent storage to hang up - shock, horror - every
one of those items is now déclassé. The must-have- Moss/Lohan/Miller-look for 2007 has been
announced and it doesn’t include that Chanel handbag addition. That has been replaced by your
£1.50 plaid plastic laundry bag - for those who know. As well as your entire wardrobe in shades
of grey, skinny jeans, insect-eye sunglasses. In 2007, it’s all skintight bondage, I mean bandage
dresses, crystal shoes, sci-fi, egg-shaped skirts – darling – you’ve gone into debt for all the
wrong stuff. But if you were on the right path, you wouldn’t have a pecuniary concern in the world.
Hopefully a re-release of the film, Eat the Rich (1987) might inspire clandestine anarchists among
us. Well, it’s an idea….
