Letter From London - Meet The Smirkers - Humorous Gossip From London

Meet The Smirkers - 8 April

Dear Lulu,

It’s time to Meet The Smirkers. Unlike the US where campaigning lasts several years allowing you to go from a dress size 6 to 12, turn grey, raise a family of white mice from birth to death, move all your grandmother’s antique furniture in and out of a new boyfriend’s flat – here, it’s blissfully short - only 30 days, allowing for magazine and newspaper sorting - yet with plenty of time to get annoyed and grow to detest the opposition, just in case you hadn’t already.

Since Conservative leader of the moment, Michael Howard hired the Australian spin-king, Lynton Crosby, who holds the position of master manipulator regarding the recent election Down Under, his methodology has been noticeably altered. Pre-spin, he was bumbling, desperate and noticeably off the mark. Now, he’s Mr Slick and gaining on Labour at an alarming rate. Help. To be serious; the basis of the Conservative platform - this Australian-based, Draconian, Dickensian, overtly racist, totally distorted position on immigration is not only pathetic, it’s quite scary. London is now the most multi-cultural city in the world and as a result, it’s the best. I can’t decide if it’s ironic or dispiriting that the much loved, long running Australian soap is called – Neighbours.

It’s going to be an American-ised campaign regardless of any and all Aussie stratagem: the baby kissing, the back slapping, the hugging of complete strangers. Howard actually massed his whole family onto a stage for a recent campaign event, setting a new and seriously unwanted precedent. Never in the history of British elections had any candidate stooped so low. Trust me here: look away now.

Disregarding my natural repulsion, the one thing that I have found fascinating is the obvious surgery Mr and Mrs Howard have resorted to. They must have been inspired by Marlene Dietrich when she felt compelled to have her facial skin pulled and pinned back behind her hairline to give a more attractive skeletal appearance. Well, maybe they haven’t quite achieved that, but their facial expressions are decidedly limited to only one: the smirk. A perpetual smirk. A smirk seemingly cast in stone. A smirk that greets you as you slide along the wall to the bathroom first thing in the morning and wishes you sweet dreams before you begin your nightly fight with insomnia. No hint of irony, cheeriness, nor delight…more self-contained in that appealingly condescending, superior, Iknowsometingyoudon’tknow and Iamnotgoingtotellyou, sothere sort of way. (You almost feel called upon as your civic duty to put them out of their misery.)

Lest we forget, another Conservative, Ann Widdecombe did say Michael Howard ‘has something of the night about him’. And that he does. (The British are always so visually evocative). So ultimately he can smirk that smirk until he disappears into the very night from which he came, the palpable aura will remain. It is a bit creepy, really.

Now what Mrs Smirker is up to seems more Stepford Wife inspired than Nosferatu. (She did have a bit of practice as a model you know.) I have seen her in print and on TV, although no more animated on the latter – but I have never, never seen her not smiling/smirking - usually with I-may-not-be amused lips pursed, I-see-you-but-you can’t-see-me eyes half open, yes-I-am-looking-down-on-you head thrown back. I am thinking hologram or alien stand-in here.

Just imagine my thrill when I came across an article in THE INDEPENDENT the other day. Day 1, the Campaign by Paul Vallely. The headline: The Campaign delivers its first shock: 14-month old baby avoids being kissed. And that’s not all. Let me quote: “Mr Howard accused the Prime Minister of ‘already grinning’ about a third election victory and warned voters of Labour’s ‘smirking politics’.” (Kettle? Black? Oh, there’s that reference to the night again…to continue). “Indeed the only person who was smirking in all this was Mr Howard’s wife, Sandra (Mrs Smirker to us), who could not suppress a grin when her husband came to the Conservative campaign phrase, ‘Are you thinking what we’re thinking?’ which has been crafted by…the Australian election whiz…Indeed, the elegant Mrs Howard was so taken with it that she smirked again when Mr Howard repeated the phrase a few hours later in Birmingham.” Well, I’ve heard that phrase ad nauseum and it’s only been two days – so you won’t find me smiling or smirking.

It has been such a relief to escape US politics. Not so any more. Now every time Mr and Mrs Howard/Smirker appear live on TV - I know I’m presuming here - I am forced to throw myself pell-mell from across the room onto the remote to hit the mute button as quickly as humanly possible. Now, is that any way to live? Even if only for 30 days and counting. Are you thinking what I’m thinking -oh Boris (Jonhson), where are you?

TTFN, Maggie

Letters From London