 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| Letters From London |
| Humorous Views on London Culture, Royals, Gossip and Politics |
Tall Tales - 2 December 2006
They’re heeeeeeeeeeeeere. The Thetans have arrived. Xenu is watching you. Scientologists are
taking over. They have wooed the posh and powerful as well as the police force. Prepare for the
invasion.
Rehabs centres are already popping up overnight like poison mushrooms in the moist forest
undergrowth. Psychologists/ psychotherapists/psychiatrists are panicked over possible
imprisonment. The sky is filled with transport planes, private jets all orchestrated by John
Travolta (accompanied by strains of Wagner’s The Valkyries; as you would expect). Stuffed
teddy bears are being shipped via huge lorries in the hours of darkness. Oh. Sorry. That image
is from Invasion of the Body Snatchers, 1956. Thetans talk to teddies, you know. Prepare to be
‘purified’.
Three million copies of the cult’s anti-psychiatric DVD, Psychiatry: an Industry of Death, is to be
spread throughout the world in 15 languages to “every opinion-leader on the planet…when the
fund managers in the City get hold of this DVD, I dread to think what will happen…it’ll be blood in
the streets,” states convert newspaper owner (oh no) and scion of the Mappin & Web jewellery
dynasty, John Mappin. Blood in the streets? Whose blood specifically? And John. What do
Thetans speak?
Scientology headquarters have been moved from tatty Tottenham Court Road to a dazzling
£24m centre in The City, London’s financial district. “The fact that the church is in this particular
location is purely coincidental.” Who hasn’t been practicing with those two truth-telling tin cans
and string again…tut, tut. Bankers, hedge-fund millionaires, inside traders only steps away. The
seduced already fill Chelsea and Notting Hill social sets. The cult has gained official charitable
status, creating a reclaimed tax windfall of tens of millions of pounds. Not that it needed more
cash with assets of almost £19m and annual donations in the UK alone at over £9m. And now
with vast sums of money so close by….
Scientology’s talking head, Tiny Tom, splashed out £5.3m for a major recruitment event: his
sham wedding. Not an all together positive result. Local citizens were left filled with animosity
and resentment. The mayor of Bracciano, Patrizia Riccioni, reneged on conferring honorary
citizenship on the happy couple. “They do not deserve it. The whole town has sacrificed itself for
them, volunteers worked all day, traffic was closed off. We greeted them with great enthusiasm
and have put up patiently with all the small problems that the event has brought.” She was not
invited to the wedding. Those drenched crowds of well-wishers who caught nary a glimpse of
Tiny Tom or any other of the sycophantic celebrities won’t be signing up for purification any time
soon. “Girls (girls? and the specific marrying age recognised in Scientology is?) need clothes and
food and tender happiness and frills, a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat. All caprice, if you will, but
they still need them.” Dear me, you silly Thetans. Scientology minister, Laura Wilks said that the
language drew on the concept of a wife having the wherewithal to care for her man. Oh, do let
me sign up ASAP.
The only photo of Mrs Cruise at the window was certainly a deterrent. Did it not spell out:
“Auuuuuuughhhhhhh! I’m a celebrity. Get me out of here! Now!” Or possibly “Help! I’m being held
against my will!” The latter more likely. Or possibly she had just been told of the castle curse.
The owner, Baron Paolo Giordano had his wife Isabella de Medidi strangled so he could
remarry. Number four for Tom? He was trying to block the flow of oxygen to her brain with that
three minute ‘kiss’, was he not? Perhaps she was merely ready to renegotiate her Faustian
arrangement. There may have been a bit of confusion on her part as her Scientology PR people
report that as a young, impressionable, virginal girl growing up in Ohio, she had always dreamed
she would marry Tom, but other sources close to her say it was Tom Hanks. Oops. At one
point, Mrs TC needed help when describing Tiny Tom. “You adore him,” the ever present
chaperone suggested. Right. It is reported that TT is anxious for Mrs TTC to get pregnant again
and stay home…with the comb and the cat. The hierarchical head, David Miscavige,
accompanied the lovely pair on their honeymoon. So Tom’s not gay then.
“Why London?” the Thetans’ new brochure queries itself. “The most important city of [sic]
Earth…London is a city which controls much of what occurs on the planet… The area known as
The City is the focal point of international finance and law,” and now Scientology headquarters
and those obscene bonuses. Why don’t I think that London is a city crying out for pay-as-you-go
purification.
They’re heeeeeeeeeeeeere. The Thetans have arrived. Xenu is watching you. Scientologists are
taking over. They have wooed the posh and powerful as well as the police force. Prepare for the
invasion.
Rehabs centres are already popping up overnight like poison mushrooms in the moist forest
undergrowth. Psychologists/ psychotherapists/psychiatrists are panicked over possible
imprisonment. The sky is filled with transport planes, private jets all orchestrated by John
Travolta (accompanied by strains of Wagner’s The Valkyries; as you would expect). Stuffed
teddy bears are being shipped via huge lorries in the hours of darkness. Oh. Sorry. That image
is from Invasion of the Body Snatchers, 1956. Thetans talk to teddies, you know. Prepare to be
‘purified’.
Three million copies of the cult’s anti-psychiatric DVD, Psychiatry: an Industry of Death, is to be
spread throughout the world in 15 languages to “every opinion-leader on the planet…when the
fund managers in the City get hold of this DVD, I dread to think what will happen…it’ll be blood in
the streets,” states convert newspaper owner (oh no) and scion of the Mappin & Web jewellery
dynasty, John Mappin. Blood in the streets? Whose blood specifically? And John. What do
Thetans speak?
Scientology headquarters have been moved from tatty Tottenham Court Road to a dazzling
£24m centre in The City, London’s financial district. “The fact that the church is in this particular
location is purely coincidental.” Who hasn’t been practicing with those two truth-telling tin cans
and string again…tut, tut. Bankers, hedge-fund millionaires, inside traders only steps away. The
seduced already fill Chelsea and Notting Hill social sets. The cult has gained official charitable
status, creating a reclaimed tax windfall of tens of millions of pounds. Not that it needed more
cash with assets of almost £19m and annual donations in the UK alone at over £9m. And now
with vast sums of money so close by….
Scientology’s talking head, Tiny Tom, splashed out £5.3m for a major recruitment event: his
sham wedding. Not an all together positive result. Local citizens were left filled with animosity
and resentment. The mayor of Bracciano, Patrizia Riccioni, reneged on conferring honorary
citizenship on the happy couple. “They do not deserve it. The whole town has sacrificed itself for
them, volunteers worked all day, traffic was closed off. We greeted them with great enthusiasm
and have put up patiently with all the small problems that the event has brought.” She was not
invited to the wedding. Those drenched crowds of well-wishers who caught nary a glimpse of
Tiny Tom or any other of the sycophantic celebrities won’t be signing up for purification any time
soon. “Girls (girls? and the specific marrying age recognised in Scientology is?) need clothes and
food and tender happiness and frills, a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat. All caprice, if you will, but
they still need them.” Dear me, you silly Thetans. Scientology minister, Laura Wilks said that the
language drew on the concept of a wife having the wherewithal to care for her man. Oh, do let
me sign up ASAP.
The only photo of Mrs Cruise at the window was certainly a deterrent. Did it not spell out:
“Auuuuuuughhhhhhh! I’m a celebrity. Get me out of here! Now!” Or possibly “Help! I’m being held
against my will!” The latter more likely. Or possibly she had just been told of the castle curse.
The owner, Baron Paolo Giordano had his wife Isabella de Medidi strangled so he could
remarry. Number four for Tom? He was trying to block the flow of oxygen to her brain with that
three minute ‘kiss’, was he not? Perhaps she was merely ready to renegotiate her Faustian
arrangement. There may have been a bit of confusion on her part as her Scientology PR people
report that as a young, impressionable, virginal girl growing up in Ohio, she had always dreamed
she would marry Tom, but other sources close to her say it was Tom Hanks. Oops. At one
point, Mrs TC needed help when describing Tiny Tom. “You adore him,” the ever present
chaperone suggested. Right. It is reported that TT is anxious for Mrs TTC to get pregnant again
and stay home…with the comb and the cat. The hierarchical head, David Miscavige,
accompanied the lovely pair on their honeymoon. So Tom’s not gay then.
“Why London?” the Thetans’ new brochure queries itself. “The most important city of [sic]
Earth…London is a city which controls much of what occurs on the planet… The area known as
The City is the focal point of international finance and law,” and now Scientology headquarters
and those obscene bonuses. Why don’t I think that London is a city crying out for pay-as-you-go
purification.
