Letter From London - The Deed is Done - Humorous Gossip from London

Doctor in the House - 13 June

Dear Lulu,

Thank you for returning Hugh Laurie. I had really only known him as Bertie in P G Wodehouse’s, Jeeves and Wooster. In a bit of a twist, he’s Dr House, a house doctor on House, that US television import. I heard that Americans were ‘shocked’ to find out he was a British actor; must be that 92% of the population without passports. British actors can do accents. British actors can act. Very convincingly I might add. I also heard that they adore him. On this I agree. He is just so damn good. It’s really The Hugh Laurie Show; without him, all that’s left is that easily identifiable ‘just the facts, ma’m’ economical, one-dimension style perfected and so popular in the US. Frequently so wooden, it could be mistaken for a chair.

There seems to be a trans-Atlantic exchange going on. We sent over The Office, Joely Richardson, Gordon Ramsey, the Beckhams and you delivered Joey, Joan Rivers, Jerry Springer and that loathsome gnome Malcolm Glazer. Now I ask you; is this fair? Jerry Springer assumes that he has arrived just in time to save British TV from itself. While being interviewed on radio, he accused it of being 10 years behind the US. Let me remind you: Joey. Joey. Joey. Specifically: “Your talk shows are like ours were 10 years ago; they plod along. It could be radio. Virtually all your live programmes could be on radio. The rule on my TV show is you have to be able to watch it with the sound off.” Now there’s a clever idea. “If you still kinda know what’s going on, that’s compelling.” Kinda = compelling? 25 million Americans can be wrong.

It’s surprising and frequently scary how often Americans appear in the oddest places on British television. On the reality show, Pioneers, just 2 out of 17 participants are English. The show is based on creating a British colony in America in 1628. The leader is a real life American evangelist. To be honest, after the first half of the first show, I would rather have been tied to a stake on an anthill at high noon in Oklahoma during a windstorm in the middle of August. Programmes on all the History, Civilisation, Discovery channels are brought to us by experts from US Midwestern community colleges. This does not give me much confidence in the information imparted. And actually, who are these people?

Why the British think American TV is brilliant is beyond my imagination. I’ve been there. I’ve watched it; those 7 minutes sandwiched in between 5 minutes of screaming “come on down!” commercials. I could feel my brain cells dying, one by one. And here I am, ready to lose still more. Take this Saturday; let me count while I still can. There are 9 American movies on terrestrial television. On cable, I’m spoilt for choice. From the moment my eyes open in the morning, I can click on America’s Dumbest Criminals, Melrose Place, The Cosby Show, Doctor Quinn: Medicine Woman, Charmed, Judging Amy, Judge Judy, Charlie’s Angels, Chicago Hope, Arrested Development, Law and Order, LA Law…I rest my case… Las Vegas, Dr. Phil, Buffy, Family Affairs, Roseanne, Grace Under Fire, Ally McBeal, US PGA golf, Alias, Americas Next Top Model, Entertainment Tonight, Dead Like Me, and surely a favourite - Trailer Park Boys…I am feeling mentally unwell. I must lie down in a dark and quiet room before I am permanently paralysed by vacuity. If you can name it, I can watch it.

Dr Helen Pilcher is half of the Comedy Research Project, which has developed the perfect formula for the perfect sitcom. She has a PhD in Molecular Neurobiology. And you Jerry? “The success is determined by multiplying the recognisability of the main character (r) by their delusions of grandeur (d). This is added to the verbal wit of the script (v) and the total is multiplied by the amount someone falls over or suffers an injury (f). The difference in status between the highest and lowest characters is added (s) and the total is divided by the success of the show’s scheme (a).” Are you still with me? “It’s pseudo-scientific…before he (Einstein) died he was working on a theory of everything, so I don’t think an equation for a sitcom is ridiculous…people could use it, but you do need writing talent…I absolutely love Only Fools and Horses (it fits the equation perfectly)…I think The Royal Family is wonderfully scripted writing.”

So, there you have it. The criterion is not chair bludgeoning after all. Heads up. I’m off to watch Monk. One thing is for certain; for any of that 8% who have actually stepped on English soil, the grass is definitely greener.

TTFN, Maggie

Letters From London