Letter From London - The Deed is Done - Humorous Gossip from London

Furry Thinking - 1 February

Dear Lulu,

Heir to a mind-bending £6.6 billion oil and banking fortune, 41 year old Mathew Mellon is to appear at Bow’s Street magistrate’s court on February 23 in connection with an investigation into an alleged phone-tapping and computer hacking gang. The operation allegedly provided clients with confidential information about wealthy people and businesses. A gang. Mat belongs to a gang. Hoodies in pashima.

Scotland Yard has been conducting a long investigation into the private detective agency run by a former police officer which is believed to have been bugging phone calls. The group, I personally prefer the ‘gang’, allegedly hacked into NHS (National Health Service) computers to access confidential medical files to blackmail people, spying on police and bugging their phone calls to get information. There are also several charges of falsifying invoices. Goodness me.

Adrian Kirby, another rich businessman with a fortune of only £65 million, made from waste disposal units (how romantic), is also charged with conspiracy to intercept communications unlawfully, unauthorised modification of computer material and perverting the course of justice. My, it certainly is perverse. I don’t have the imagination to make all this up; one of Mat’s hobbies is nude jet skiing.

Another of the above-the-law privileged living in that parallel universe inhabited by the very rich, Stella McCarthy, professes in a manner close to mania: “I don’t think you could name one other designer who can say [that not one animal has suffered or died]…even if they’re doing a satin pair of shoes, they’ve got a leather sole…for me, vegetarianism is based on ethics – I think it’s very wrong to have mass murder, every single day, of millions of animals. I find something wrong with that on a spiritual level, an environmental level and an ethical level.”

Caught out, she was photographed drinking while pregnant, exiting an ever ecologically sensitive Range Rover and in an interview wearing vintage cowboy boots. Her SUV is ‘necessary’ to transport one baby and one dog to and from her country house. Really.

Gucci is still backing her, although rumours persist that she only has a couple of years to make a profit before they blow her good-bye kisses. We all know Gucci: Gucci who love furry animals – dead furry animals, skinned furry animals the rich adore to show how rich they are. The very same Gucci who make 90% of its profits from leather goods. Leather…let me see here…skin, animal skin, abattoirs, men with huge knives wading in blood and guts. I do believe this is ‘mass murder, every single day’. Miss Stella: “If we use shells, then I have to be certain that every one has been picked up from the beach.” Feathers used must have fallen off the birds. I rest my case.

Meanwhile, Sheherazade Goldsmith, the wife of the incredibly rich, between £10-300 million, Tory ecologist, Zac, manages to drive her three children around in an unimposing Golf, takes them on the train to her organic farm in Devon. Perhaps if Stella weren’t so busy pontificating on her purity and ethics (ha), she could try taking the train with the Goldsmith family while repeating: ‘Gucci is bad. Gucci is very bad. Gucci is very, very bad.’

And finally, Queen Camilla was caught out with a dead rabbit – probably forty-eight soft, furry dead rabbits – wrapped around her neck. Oh the irony. I’ve read that rabbits are either electrocuted or have their little necks broken before they grace the necks of the rich and unconscious. We know how much Camilla loves shooting and killing animals, but I don’t suppose she shot these babies herself. “Oh look, Chuck. I see something moving in that hedge. Oh look. I do believe it’s yet another scarf for me.”

TTFN

Maggie

Letters From London