Dear Lulu,
Poor, pitiable Portobello. Could it be about to be renamed: Toad Todd Terrace perhaps? Wilful Warren’s Walk? We have Mr Warren Todd to thank for the demise of what had been a fun, cheerful, unique shopping event. Pale pink, blue, yellow, green (seductively quaint) antique shops winding their way down the hill to the market stalls offering cheesy cheeses from France, savoury German sausages on the grill, delicious delectables, fresh fish, fruits and vegetables, herbs and spices, trendy tops, socks and scarves, pots and pans, fabrics and ribbons – seriously, batteries to Buddhas - anything and everything. It’s certainly the most interesting street market I’ve experienced. And, I’m not alone. The street is packed solid on the weekends. Remember it and weep.
Mr Toad, oops, Todd is handsome, youngish, perpetually tanned, very secretive and very rich with a token ex-Bond girl for a wife and a £100,000 Bentley GT for a car, which allows him to oversee the scene of his latest crime: the demise of Portobello Road. Did Notting Hill, the movie, put the idea in his head? Did he over-identify with the handsomeness of Hugh?
Toady Todd has been seen barking orders into his headset. “BUY! BUY! BUY IT NOW, YOU BLOODY WANKER!” perhaps? Or maybe: “I’ll take THAT one and THAT one and THAT one NOW!” Ah. You can take the boy out of Deptford….
Mr multi-multi-millionaire property developer is busy, busy, busy creating his own bespoke empire out of a world renown road whose history goes back 300 years. That’s 300 years. But it only takes one small man. He must be very proud. His parents must be very proud. It seems he comes by it honestly. His own father had lied on his own son’s birth certificate. Dad decided he’d go white-collar rather than blue when he penned his profession. He was actually a trader at the ‘need-a-plastic-bin-a-dodgy-radio-a-polyester-duvet’ Shepherd’s Bush market. The boy has done him proud; Todd owns that market as well as having acquired 30 Portobello shops so far. Oh, plus his other hidden holdings around town.
Rents have naturally spiralled out of control…the actors, designers, film-makers have been replaced by Subway, Starbucks, Orange, Accessorize, with the Gap looming up ready to pounce. The Gap. Oh god, not the Gap please. The street’s fate will finally be well and truly sealed.
In comes the tat. In come the toughs. Todd’s method of persuasion: raise the decibel level, scare the shop owners. Apparently he had a massive tantrum and tried to frighten one of the few local craftsmen still in force, who tried to question his plans to replace the only workshop left after 50 years with fashionably expensive flats. “It’s not like he’s been there hundreds of years…” Todd is quoted as saying. Now there is a brilliant mind at work. “I don’t have any reason to want to change Portobello Road.” I do believe his £1000 pair of ‘Mr tight trousers, Mr narrow slacks’ had burst into flames at that point.
Will it be “goodbye cool and handy hair salon, goodbye friendly fish and chips, goodbye antique linens and braids, goodbye renowned record shop, goodbye delicious deli, divine vintage clothes, family butchers, precious prints, antique rugs and cushions and brilliant bikes. Buy your ticket. Bring your camera. It may be your last chance to capture what makes London fleetingly irreplaceable.
If it isn’t the influence of American rubbish, it’s the spread of unchecked greed. I’m afraid to fall asleep for fear that when I wake up, the pods will have taken over.
TTFN, Maggie
Past Letters
I Smell, Therefore I Am - 25 August 2006
Is it Hot or is it Hell? - 29 July 2006
Be Ashamed...Be Very Ashamed - 2 July 2006
Dave's Big Clear Out - 26 June
No Jewellery On The Pitch - 7 June
'Baby You're a Rich Man, Too' - 26 May
My Hair Made Me Do It - 10 May
Foot in Mouth Disease - 22 February
And the Award Goes To... - 16 February
And the Winner is.... - 25 January
A Matter of Timing - 12 January
Routemaster No More - 28 December
Gimme, Gimme, Gimme - 25 November
Does My Hair Look Big In This? - 6 November