Letter From London - The Deed is Done - Humor Gossip From London

So Many Men, So Little Time - 4 May

Dear Lulu,

Camilla wants to be queen, Prince William’s girlfriend wants to marry royalty, Prince Harry’s girlfriend wants to be famous and Spectator publisher American Kimberly Quinn wants to have sex and children with men other than her husband. I am so depressed. Whatever happened to: ‘I want to be a bio-physicist when I grow up’?

Camilla has been receiving hate mail; 908 since the announcement of their engagement. Scotland Yard is investigating employing DNA. Letters have been described as ‘horrible’ and ‘threatening’. One writer called her ‘revolting’, another accused her of ‘destroying the Prince’s marriage’, another is sure ‘she lacks morals and decency’, another thinks she is ‘going to prove she is the greedy, manipulative attention-seeking ***** who tortured and tormented a royal Princess in order to replace her and enjoy the limelight, privileges, money and luxury of monarchy’, and still another wrote that she is ‘nothing more than an old **********, attention-seeking, spoilt, childish, with a huge ego on the biggest ego trip knowing she can easily manipulate her toy boy the Prince of Wales.’ (No, no dear. Toyboy refers to a much younger man, usually worthy of the sobriquet: handsome, perfectly coiffed, tan-bed tanned, smooth-skinned and assiduously attentive.) These missives sound spot on if you were to ask me. Nevertheless, Camilla has been protected from reading the contents of those of an ‘unpleasant nature’.

Those friends women on their way up the social ladder always seem to have in abundance recount that William’s girlfriend, Kate I-want-to-marry-into-royalty Middleton’s new position in the world of the royals has made her quite ‘brusque’. Oh. Do they mean rude, irritable, condescending, pompous, haughty, nasty, arrogant? The other carefully selected words used to describe her by her other friends-in-waiting. Well, maybe she’s simply working her way up to the royal rank of a Princess Anne and/or a Princess Margaret? Kate “knows what she wants and goes after it”, undeterred by the confines of reality. Well, maybe we should all give her the benefit of the doubt and not assume she befriended William at St Andrews, manipulate him into staying on when he was determined to leave, was available to support and succour him when he was confused. Well, maybe not. Inspired by her Tony Robbins take-charge attitude, her parents have just designed a range of children’s party accessories for their mail-order company; “royal” outfits, complete with polyester princess dresses, fairy wands and plastic tiaras. Do they have ‘plans’ or is this just wishful thinking?

Brilliant choice, Harry. His ‘we want to be together forever’ girlfriend, Chelsy Davy has announced her life’s ambition is to be really famous and she is unwavering in her resolve to secure her position as a pointless celebrity. Allegedly Prince Charles demanded Harry stop seeing her. They argued. Harry reminded him of his own situation; Camilla behind his mother’s back sort of reminder. Charles reneged, but didn’t change his mind. Then all three met, had dinner together and zut alors! Charles was equally besotted and according to The News of the World, gave his blessing for their nuptials. To be honest, I can’t imagine Charles making such an agreement considering the press he gets, and with Chelsy’s very, very rich game farm owning father breathing the same breath as Mugabe, it just doesn’t look good, does it? But then, consider the source. Still, the thought of happy families beggars belief. Not much has been said about Chelsy except that Harry’s friends don’t like her – too vacuous, too much of a party girl. Pardon me….

The saga of Lil Kim or ‘how I am sleeping my way to the top’ is relentless. When Kimberly Quinn met then home secretary, David Blunkett, (before she manipulated his political downfall) she said: “I’ve always wondered what it would be like to sleep with a blind man”…or for that matter - “a man with a outsized nose and an overbite, a man with big hairy hands, a man with a wheat allergy, a man with one leg shorter than the other, a man who wears a thong after five….” Or simply put: any rich, powerful, middle-aged, easily duped man living in London. Quite a check off list she must have under her black satin pillow. We only know the names of 5 so far, but it’s early days and only two children so far.

“I’ve always wanted a child. That’s all poor lil’ old me really wants…more than anything in the whole wide world.” Which clearly explains why she left the first baby with the nanny 90% of the time. The very same nanny who refused to be bought off by the happy couple. Lil Kim apparently screamed: “Stephen! Stephen! She won’t take the money!” and then proceeded to have a massive ear-splitting, high-pitched temper tantrum. Let’s just hope Blunkett’s innocent baby, William was amusing himself in another wing.

A woman recounted her first meeting with Mrs Fourtier, almost Blunkett, Quinn nee Solomon at an award ceremony. The woman’s husband’s name was announced and seemingly out of nowhere, Ms Kim bolted out of her seat, long jumped over tables and the heads of guests, dashed up to the winner, shoved his wife aside and purred: “Congratulations! I’ve always wanted to meeeet you.” The woman was in shock to say the least, as was her husband I might imagine. That ever so effective introduction must have certainly taken the immediate thrill out of winning the award.

“We’re baaaaaack….” Lil Kim and her multi-cuckolded husband are back on the London party circuit. Oh, thank god. I was getting very worried. They showed up as an attached at the hip, arm, wrist, hand couple at Claridge’s for the Veuve Clicquot Businesswoman of the Year presentation. Now that takes nerve. She held his hand, fawned, giggled and joked with her 60 year old husband and not the father of either child. “I don’t have anything to say,” she said when asked to say something.

So many men, so little time.

TTFN, Maggie

Letters From London