No
Jewellery on the Pitch-
7 June
Espresso
machines, duvets, towels, bed linen, loo rolls, clocks, doormats, pushchairs,
tents, coolers, outdoor lights, portable barbecues, chef’s hats, bunting,
paper plates and napkins, sleeping bags, garden gnomes, children’s little
faces, whole buildings bedecked, Downing Street, hair colourings, Tony
Blair’s tie, houses painted, pubs wrapped a la Christo, dogs blanketed:
with unreserved attention to detail, all of England is festooned in the
flag of St George.
New
plasma and LCD screen TVs are selling at 15 per second, some with a waterproof
widescreen beginning at £1500 for those whose beer refuses to stay
in the glass and speaking of beer - sales are up 50%, sales of all foods
English are flying off the market shelves: pork pies, spotted dick, cheddar
cheese, crumpets, a limited edition of Mars bars renamed ‘Believe Bar’
has been launched, football sales have increased 226%, flag sales are up
100% - despite the ban on cabbies and Tesco delivery drivers fancyingto
fly the flag with pride - and all with the World Cup still days away.
This
isn’t America…
yet. MI5 will not break down your door at 4:12 AM and drag you, your children
and their 5 aquarium-housed newts away to an undisclosed location for allowing
the flag to touch the ground. You can wear it, stomp on it, cut it up,
eat it; the choice is yours.
Hopefully
with the fervent nationalism of this World Cup, the flag of St George will
be wrenched from the grubby little racist hands of the BNP (British National
Party) finally. Flags and fingers crossed.
St
George never set foot (as it were) in England.
He was in fact a Roman martyr. His father came from what is now,Turkey,
his mother from Palestine and he was
brought up a Christian in Israel.
George was beheaded when, as a member of the Emperor Diocletian’s personal
bodyguard, he refused to renounce Christianity. His dragon slaying legend
became fashionable in England
in the 13th century. By the time of Edward III, he was so popular,
he became the England’s
patron saint; picture the Crusaders bedecked in their red and white off
to slay the dragon – infidels for those who became overly fervent. In the
Muslim world he is known as Al-Khidr, held in high regard and associated
with the prophet Moses. So there. Now you know. A multicultural saint of
a multicultural nation: inform the BNP.
No
matter the corruption, the billions made from branding, Italian match-fixing,
blatantly biased anti-European referees, kickbacks, FIFA bribes, lots and
lots of money handed back and forth under and above the table, footballers
and their orgies – it nonetheless remains ‘The Beautiful Game’, although
perhaps not precisely what Jules Rimet, the inventor of the World Cup had
envisioned. Born in 1876 in eastern France, the son a poor grocer who migrated
to Paris when Jules was eleven. He studied law, never actually played football,
and started a sports club in the Paris
suburbs that had the unique reputation of not refusing members based on
class. The French middleclass distained the game and relegated it to the
low end of the social and economic scale - and Englishmen. Rimet believed
that sport could channel and mellow virulent nationalism if it were classless;
he believed the game had the ability to unite nations. He predicted that
through football, the human race would one day achieve a state of humanist
grace in which “men will be able to meet in confidence without hatred in
their hearts and without an insult on their lips.” Does that then not include
dodgy moves, manipulative theatrics, over-the-top fouls?
InBlackpool,
they are offering counselling services win or lose. The Chartered Society
of Physiotherapists is braced for massive increased sports injuries and
has issued a survival guide warning unfit fans to exercise first before
displaying unbridled enthusiasm.
TheUniversity
of Birmingham suggests that
all penalty shoot-outs should be banned ‘on public health grounds’ after
a surge in heart attacks during the penalty shoot-out between England
and Argentina
in the 1998 World Cup. For those who laugh at karmic debt, in Germany
a World Cup voodoo doll is being sold that includes five needles and various
stick-on emblems so that you can curse teams at your leisure.
When
the statue was stolen in London
in the run-up to the 1966 World Cup, it was discovered by Pickles, a dog.
It has been a long 40 years. More than £20,000 a minute is expected
to be bet during the sixty-four games in a country where you can bet on
a bet. For their month stay in Germany the lads needed 24 bottles of shampoo,
24 cans of crucial mousse, 48 bars of soap, 48 cans of anti-wasp and 48
of bug-repellent, 48 sting-soothing cream. Germany
must have quite the insect infestation. And the all-important 2340 Jaffa
Cakes. For those sadly unacquainted with the perfect little cookie, a video
on line of teenager Marianne of Southend has become an international sensation
as she demonstrates the deconstruction of a Jaffa Cake. Me, I’ll just be
popping one in my mouth as an expression of team encouragement. Oh. Maybe
three then. OK. Four.
Now if Sven can only keep his pants on long enough to
inspire, motivate, cheer on and up the team of very talented players in
the second half of every game, there is hope and “IN-GER-LUND! IN-GER-LUND!”
will be heard everywhere on this tiny island…even in Scotland,
whether they like it or not.
TTFN
Maggie