Letter From London - Tawny Tony - Humorous Gossip From London

Tawny Tony - 25 April

Dear Lulu,

During this hypnotically-mind-numbing campaign, two highlights have surfaced: skin and a shirt. Don’t look now, but Tony is now tawny. He’s acquired a fake tan over the weekend- ‘whilst gardening’. (I offer my other leg). He hasn’t revealed whether it’s an all-over tan, a face, a face and neck, a face, neck and hand tan. He’s gone from that ubiquitous British wall colour, matte ‘magnolia’ to ‘apricot crush’ overnight. Tawny-Tony, Tony-tawny…sounds like a taunt, doesn’t it? Could this be a hint of a more ambitious plan? Hair gel, hair dye - hair plugs yet to come? Botoxed lips?

Perhaps it’s an archetypal application acting as a protective tribal device – a shield of sorts to defend him from his latest meet-and-greet election scheme: those one-on-one, face-to-face, in-his-face ill advised exchanges with ‘real people’ he has been conducting with manic frequency.

Cameras ready, journalists en mass. Tony positions himself on the edge of a spindly chair, tightly clasping a Starbucks cup (tsk, tsk) - surely an unreliable security contrivance to guard him against the overly-focused-on-their-single-minded-personal-agendas, enraged-to-the-point-of-mouth-foaming mothers, students, old-age pensioners, care-givers, Tories. These set ups to share time with the authentic Tony are rarely more than an excuse for these self-concerned-citizens to hurl abuse at him, blaming him for all the evils of the world. Really. He’s only one man and there are only so many hours in the day, and we all know he’s only responsible for a few of them. What’s curiouser and curiouser is how he has entered into this bizarre dynamic where he seems to totally surrender himself to abject masochism. Iraq- culpability? Certainly not. Guilt? Hardly. He’s not even Catholic - Cherie is. From this realm, Tony is spending most of his waking moments in a parallel universe (like all others in power, be they politicians, dictators, theocrats, plutocrats, celebrities, the rich) where he is young and handsome, intellectually gifted, tells the truth, (Bush’s twin as) a benevolent being born to save the world from its imploding self. It must be said that an orange glow won’t do the trick, unless it’s nuclear and that’s more a US modus operandi isn’t it?

A peculiar fashion phenomenon has begun at the end of (only) the second week. We’ve entered into the pink and blue phase of the crusades. Everyday it’s a pink and blue day. Tony started it. He substituted his customary red tie for a pale, pale blue silk he wore for at least a week. Not to be undone, Michael Howard responded by discarding his appropriately conservative (ie., boring, boring, boring) image for a blue shirt enhanced (that’s debatable) by a pink tie. Then a few days later, shock, horror - MH appeared in a bilious pink shirt and a brightish blue tie. A punk pink. A Schiaparelli pink. Now he’s appearing as a chrysanthemum. The word is that Howard’s beige-haired, beige-faced, beige-attired, beige-persona-ed wife has cast a “pinker glow” on him. Literally? Not to be surpassed as Mr Trendy Tony - the fashion icon, Tony has switched to a shiny pink silk tie. Pink and blue…hmmm. The obvious references: babies, masculine, feminine, Barbie? Is there some sort of secret focus group based message here? Why are they boycotting all the other colours? Not a puce in sight. No chartreuse, in fact no green or yellow of any hue. Where did indigo go? The greys, the browns, the oranges, the turquoises and teals? I know Michael Williamson’s favourite colour is pink, but he never said anything about combining it with blue (and hopefully he never will). Then of course there’s the shirt shop, Pink. I may be pushing it a bit here, but then, so are they - the competing pinkandblue teams. It is a bit pants….

PS: I noticed The Independent ran an article on how to emulate Tony’s ever-changing fashion faux-pas. For example: he has been spotted sporting those various, oh-so popular wrist bands: pink for breast cancer, white for poverty, with more to come? But no Primark for Tony. In the past he has chosen a sporty Nicole Fahri stripey jumper, Paul Smith shirt cuffs featuring one of those naked pinup image, a Bush inspired bomber jacket (no comment necessary here), a Nehru jacket at an Indian banquet, etc, etc. While his policies are quite intractable, his outward appearance is ever so capricious. I suspect that bad, bad advisor Carole Caplin may still be hiding in his wardrobe. Trinny. Suzannah. Get over there quickly. This man needs help to get re-elected.

TTFN - Maggie

Letters From London