Letter From London - The Deed is Done - Humorous Gossip from London

And the Winner is.... - 25 January

Dear Lulu,

With the European Lottery set at over £100 million in a few days, money is on my mind with visions of being able to respond: “la, la,la,la,la,la” in a sing-song manner to the pretentious and supercilious. Of course I know I won’t win, even with an optimistic attitude of ‘well, someone wins’…but let’s just say I did. Would I follow the example set by ubiquitous self-styled, self-imposed, self-important Gwyneth “my father was the love of my life” (a bit too creepy to contemplate for long) Paltrow? I think not. Kabbalah visitors cleansed her North London mansion; £3.5 for the exorcism. Dear me. How much was the original property price? Did she pay cash or did she merely hand over her switch card to ‘the-all-knowing’? Are we to assume that her home-away-from-home is now so pure that a simple, no-additives-added M & S vegetarian take-away would shrivel up and die from its own tonicity upon entry?

Columnist, Deborah Orr wrote: “…Paltrow …is absolutely everywhere…air-brushed…beaming out from bus stops.I thought all the attention attracted by her fame was the bane of her life. So why is she courting more attention?…a bloody hypocrite…fool or narcissist?…why are [they] such dumb spoilt idiots?...announcing to the world…a new baby coming…flogging perfume and giving interviews. There’s no excuse, Gwynnie…why is she doing this? Because she and her rock star husband are worried about the gas bill? Because if she didn’t get lots of unwanted attention, there would be nothing at all in her life to complain about? [Recall her unsolicited tirade about London weather, service, streets?] I’m never going to buy her stinky perfume. Never, ever. So there.” Oh my. Well, neither will I….

Gwen has recently justified her pecuniary acquisitions by saying she had to support her child and child-in-waiting. Give me a minute; I must bang my forehead on the desk for at least 30 seconds. What’s Mr Martin doing with his undeserved, unlimited cash flow may I enquire? Now that I think about it with a clear head, has anyone ever seen them together?

Not to be undone by a mere self-serving celebrity, London’s Tube boss, American Bob Kiley and his wife Rona have been living in royal splendour in Belgravia while underground prices have escalated to an absurd £3 for a single zone-one journey. Ouch! He has spent almost £140,000 maintaining his £2.1 million (rent free) grace and favour home bought for him by Transport for London. Mr Extravagant-Life-Style submitted ‘send refund claims to’ for food purchases including – ready? – a £30 pear and almond tart. Let’s see here; exactly how many cataract-blinded Africans could have regained their sight for one tiny tart scoffed by a tedious toff? A little lemon tart was only £20. Not taking advantage or anything, Bob of Belgravia claimed 75p for a bunch of thyme and 27p for garlic.

Oh come now, Bob; £7,000 for entertaining in the style to which you and Rona have been accustomed? Adding insult to our financial injury, our Bob walks away from his £2.4 million contract with a thank you gesture package totally £1.2 million, plus £3,200 a day as a consultant until June 2008. Oh just let me live in hope: la, la, la, la, la, la.

Now this makes a change: America’s new “It girl” (are they mad, blind, stupid? all three?) - Camilla the Queen is only costing us £566,000 a year for that full time staff, hairspray, fags. So much for that Clarence House promise that ‘the Duchess will not be a burden on the public purse.’ Let me tell you, mine is missing cash.At this very moment, Charles is most likely rolling around naked in one of the ballrooms of one of his 19^th century styled abodes on masses of money he has been accruing as of late. £566,000 is but a blink, or wink considering his secret income.

Whatever happened to that old mantra: ‘kill the rich’? On second thought, don’t investigate if I win.

TTFN

Maggie

Letters From London