Dear Lulu,
How could I have failed to notice this? Big ears, Cheshire-cat grin, tousled hair. Tony Blair and Alfred E Newman, humour magazine MAD’s official mascot - separated at birth - until now. Tony has developed a distinctiive, unmistakable ‘W’ right in the middle of his forehead. This mark of zorro extends from his eyebrows to his hairline. What? Me worry? Well. Yes.
Dr Patrick Bowler, head of the British Association of Cosmetic Doctors and author of The Nervous Girl’s Guide to Nip and Tuck said: “My advice to Blair would be to resign tomorrow.” He’s certainly not the only one expressing that sentiment. The W wrinkles are a sign of a “serious” level of stress, he cautioned. What is that heavy breathing at the gate? Oh, it’s only PM in-waiting, Gordon (Brown), drooling. “What happens is your body can cope with the stress and strain for a few years, and then it lets go, and you begin to age rapidly. I’ve seen that happen to Blair in the last two years – he has aged rapidly. Blair is the perfect candidate to have Botox. He could have it done for as little as £200…I don’t think people will notice.” They will now.
The Sunday Times reports that Blair is known to take great pains over his appearance. Last year it emerged that he had spent £1,800 of taxpayers’ money on make-up since he took office. He is also rumoured to use foundation on his face during prime minister’s questions in the Commons. Shouldn’t this be a sort of perk that comes with the position? Ivory or beige? Origins or Dior? Matte, mousse, day-to-night? Triple points from Boots,Tony? Concealer anyone?
Overlooking the cover up, the oh so obvious W references can not be ignored: George W, double you, Dubaya, Dub’ya. “Wass-up, Dubaya?” “Yo! Blair! Wass-up wif you, Boy?” Have they formed a clandestine covenant based on their religious fundamentalism? Oops. They already did that: Iraq. Is 666 now obsolete? Is this W a replacement for the Asian red dot of devotion? Who, What, Where, When? If the outside is an expression of the inside: Won? War? Wishing? Wilful? A metaphor for: Witless? Wally? Wimpy? Wet? Wanker? Washed up?
Apparently ToyPoodleTony isn’t the only worried man. Lionel Richie is very worried. “I live with the constant fear that Nicole is going to become the next Princess Diana.” Stop all life. Wwwhat? At the risk of being boring, I’ll simply have to repeat that statement to myself – several times. Princess Diana? Does Lionel know something we don’t know? Charles is divorcing Camilla and has Westminster Abbey booked for his wedding with Nicole? Nicole is going to be involved in a conspiracy that implicates Parisian pathology? Nicole is going to be stripped of her royal title and thus bodyguards, making her vulnerable to death in tunnels? Nicole has begun to hear voices and channels the deceased Diana? Lionel should be worried…very worried. We know Tony is.
TTFN
Maggie
Past Letters
Smile, You're On Candid Camera - 7 November 2006
Too Good To Be True - 22 October 2006
Putting His Money Where His House Is - 4 October 2006
What? Me Worry? 19 September 2006
It's a Bird, It's a Plane...It's Planned Demolition - 11 September
I Smell, Therefore I Am - 25 August 2006
I Can't Breathe in This - 16 August 2006
Is it Hot or is it Hell? - 29 July 2006
Be Ashamed...Be Very Ashamed - 2 July 2006
Dave's Big Clear Out - 26 June
No Jewellery on the Pitch - 7 June
'Baby You're a Rich Man, Too' - 26 May
My Hair Made Me Do It - 10 May
Foot in Mouth Disease - 22 February